Smitty, Smitty, Smitty: sometimes you are just too polite. That’s where John Doe comes in–to keep it real and to reveal the truth. Here, in Obama’s own words, are why Obama became a “Christian.”
Um, somewhere along the way I became convinced that I was special, destined to lead the world. All those typical white people elected me, a black guy, as the first black editor of the Harvard Law School Law Review. Damn, my head swelled up so big that I was almost unbearable for a while. But I liked it. I did not even actually have to do anything while Editor, and they still loved me.
After graduating, I did not know exactly what I wanted to do with my life, but I retained this feeling of being special, almost in a narcissistic way, if I remember my psychology terms from Occidental.
Then some more typical white people through money at me to get me to write my memoirs. I blew the advance money on coke and male hookers, and then had no idea how or what to write about. The typical white people who me all that crazy money were starting to talk about fraud and breach of contract, and wanted a book or their money back.
Then I stumbled upon another typical white man who was a revolutionary as was I. My friend “Bill” agreed to write my book for me. I could not believe my good luck. All these typical white people kept doing me huge, undeserved favors. I really became convinced that I was special and that I was destined to be something great.
Around that time I decided that I would run for office. I had all these typical white people falling all over themselves, but I had a problem relating with black people. Well, they had a problem with me. I didn’t speak like them, I didn’t live in their neighborhoods, I didn’t eat their food, I didn’t have a thing to do with them usually. Not too many black folk at Hahhhvad. So I looked around for a place to build my base.
So I joined the Reverend Wright’s church. To my surprise he did not believe that it was necessary for a Muslim to convert to Christianity. He even said as much on national television. He wasn’t your typical Christian, he was into black power and putting the white man in his place. But his church served my purpose. I got me a black wife, had me a couple of black children, and fit right in. Soon, I was elected to office. It was so easy, it confirmed my ideas that I was indeed special and destined for great things.
Well, one thing lead to another, and soon I was the front-runner for the Democratic presidential nominee. And we all know in this day and age that a black man with a name like Barack Hussein Obama could never be elected to office if he admitted to being a Muslim. Dayaamn, I’m special, but I’m not stupid. So I kinda lied. I’m not religious any how. God, if He or She really does exist–and don’t you tell anybody that I said this or I’ll have the Secret Service track you down and dispose of you–but God will forgive me for such a little “whitey” lie, because I’m special and was destined to became President of the United States. Now swear to me Mr. Doe that you will never tell anybody about our little discussion! Here, swear on this stack of Holy Qur’an.
p.s. I swear this really happened.