Doug Mataconis: SMASH MOUTHS’ “Real Man of Genius”

Don't try this green plaid polyester suit look at home, kids!

Today we salute you, Mr. Green-Plaid polyester suit man!  You can’t get a real job practicing law, so what do you do, Mr. Low-Life barrister? You become a collection attorney, sucking blood out of those too poor to pay their bills. (Choir: Mr. Green-Plaid Polyester Suit Man!)

Here’s to you, Mr. Too Dumb to be a Real Reporter: You, Real Man of Genius that you are, start a pathetic little blog, that nobody reads unless Smash Mouth Politics lifts up the rug and people naturally become curious to see all the little cockroaches under it. (Choir: Mr. Too Dumb to be a Real RepoOOOorter!)

Senator: “How can I tell when Sonya Sotomayor is lying?”

Aide (who can see what every other honest American can): “When her lips are moving.”

From Byron York:  

“On the issue of Sotomayor’s infamous 2001 “wise Latina” speech, Republicans are more skeptical now than before Sotomayor began her attempts to explain the remarks. In response to questions from Sen. Jeff Sessions, the ranking Republican on the committee, Sotomayor said that the “wise Latina” remark was “a rhetorical flourish that fell flat…It was bad, because it left the impression that I believed that life experiences commanded a result in a case, but that’s clearly not what I do as a judge.”

“Republicans pointed out that Sotomayor gave versions of the “wise Latina” speech at least six times over the years.  “Fell flat?” asked one senior GOP aide.  “Well, it fell flat six times.  If you said this one time, and it fell flat and you stopped using it, that would be one thing, but when you’ve said it repeatedly over a ten-year stretch, it’s very hard to believe that it is anything other than what it appears to be.  It’s only fallen flat now that she’s been called on it.”

Doug Maticonis: Dumbass of the year?

Only selective inbreeding produces deep thinkers like "Little Dougie Dumbass"! (Registered Trademark, all rights reserved)

This mealy-mouthed little punk claims he is an attorney. I sure as hell wouldn’t hire him to do my legal thinking for me. What. An. Imbecile.  Major refuses to go to Afghanistan unless Obamster produces his long-form birth certificate (which he has never produced).  Army caves and changes his orders, runs away from a fight like a dog with its tail between his legs. Does this running from a fight make Little Dougie Dumbass suspicious of why the world’s greatest fighting force ran from this fight? Nope. At least curious? Uh uh. Instead The world’s dumbest lawyer attacks the character of the Major for being a “freeper.” 

I’ve almost been converted to a “Birther”

I hereby authorize the release of my long-form birth certificate. See, doncha all feel dumb now?

Until somebody shows me the “long-form” birth certificate, I’m officially skeptical, and my B.S. Detector is beeping incessantly.  Tools (any liberal) and dupes (e.g., Little Dougie Mataconis) are satisfied with the short form.  But try taking the short form (which is ALL that he released so far)  to get a passport, or for a military clearance, or even to DMV and see what you will get.  Here’s a tip: that and $2.00 will get you a double shot of expresso at Starbucks.

Richmond store owner saved during robbery by armed patron

From Richmond Times-Dispatch: Scum of the earth enters store, shoots owner twice, and before he can finish him off, armed patron pulls out his trusty .45 and orders him to throw down his weapon. Scum of the earth refuses, and gets a slug in his torso.  Other patrons suggest that hero finish scum of the earth off, but he refuses.  Predictably, he was at first excoriated by gun control advocates, although apparently they have scurried back under rocks since all the evidence is that this guy is a true hero. Not to mention an Exhibit A of how armed citizenry can save lives.

A Democrat U.S. Senator put his hand on my inner thigh

“See, we were having dinner, you know? It was at a fancy place, and all kinds of people were there. But I did not say anything. I didn’t tell him to knock it off, or remove his hand. I let him do it. Through all four courses. I’m a tool for the Republicans, so I’ll mention this on my blog, and on T.V.  Just don’t ask me to tell you which Senator it was, so that the unnamed Senator can dispute my silly story.  No, wait. I have it wrong. I’m a faggot tool for the Democrats, and it was a Republican Senator who supposedly did this! Can you guess who I am?”

Vivian J. Paige “gets religion” now that a Democrat wild-child is in the news

Here, I’ll paraphrase her inane blog post, so you don’t have to go read it: “Oh, should we have politicians’ children off limits? Oooooh, now that a Democrat is running for office, and his kid screwed up, should we sweep it under the rug and not blog about it? Should we set strict limits on what we say about their kids, even their adult kids? Psst!  By the way, did you see the latest joke about Palin’s kids? Wasn’t that funny? That’s not what I’m talking about–that bitch’s evil spawn are fair game. I’m talking about the kid’s of Democrats. He he.”

I’ve finally come to the conclusion: WE WERE LIED TO LEADING UP TO THE IRAQ INVASION!

Every one of these quotes has been confirmed as 100% accurate by snopes.com!

Obama nominates Castro to Supreme Court, Republicans refuse to oppose

Even Fidel keeps a close watch on his bro

A.P. July 13, 2009: President Obama has withdrawn his nomination of Sonya SotomaYOR. In her place he has nominated   Generalisimo Raul Castro, brother and heir apparent of Cuban brutal Dictator Benevolent Leader Fidel Castro.  The American Bar Association has already given Gen. Castro its highest rating, calling him “Most Qualified.”

Liberal Constitutional Law “logic”: you can burn a flag, but you can’t refuse to dispense the “plan B pill”

Free Speech is what liberals say it is

Any slug has the Consti- tutionally protected right to burn the American flag. But by God, if you dare to refuse to sell “Plan B” to every slut who wants it, based on your First Amendment Rights, you can and must be fired. And your business must be shut down. It makes perfect sense, if you are an idiotic liberal.