Doug Hoffman is a closeted gay who gets off on torturing puppies

I know that I should be heartened by the fact that the conservative candidate in the NY23 race is “coming up fast on the outside” and that the liberal GOP candidate has about as much chance of winning as the Michigan Wolverines have of winning the Rose Bowl.  I’m heartened by the fact that Sarah Palin spurned the GOP nominee and endorsed Hoffman’s independent candidacy instead.  I’m heartened by the fact that the world’s best shoe leather reporter is up in NY drinking reporting on the story.  I’m heartened by the fact that everybody who is anybody in the conservative movement, except Newt, who just used to be somebody in the conservative movement, have placed principal over partisanship to support Hoffman. 

Puppy fur gloves. ON SALE NOW!

But what bothers me is that Mr. Hoffman enjoys torturing puppies.  Traditionally, Americans do not support politicians who enjoy torturing puppies.  You know I’m right.  (Well, except that Democrats would have made an exception for Bill Clinton, with excuses such as “everybody tortures puppies” and “nobody gets prosecuted for puppy abuse.”) 

What, you ask? How do I know that Mr. Hoffman tortures puppies?  That is not a serious question.  Next question. What is my proof? Sheesh. You guys won’t let this line of questions die. Alright, I’ll answer your impertinent questions.  I know because I’ve had my heart broken so often in the past by alleged conservative politicians. That’s how I know.  OK, maybe,  just maybe, Mr.  Hoffman doesn’t actually torture little puppies. Perhaps he just fantasizes about it and wrote a senior thesis about it. Or perhaps his little piccadillo is that he is overly friendly with prepubescent boys. Or he steals from the offering plate.  I know, I JUST KNOW, that he has some serious flaw, some illegal and immoral and down right disgusting behavior that he is hiding from us, just waiting until we conservatives dump all our time and money and resources into getting him elected, only to then break our hearts and make us look like fools. 

Doug eats little dogs

So, I’m declaring ahead of time that Mr. Hoffman loves torturing little puppies.  There. I said it. You RINOs won’t be able to say “We told you so” when that news or something similar comes out.  And he takes a really “wide stance” in the men’s room, IYKWIMAIKTYD.  There, liberal attack machine, I beat you to the punch.   Hit me with your worst. I’m ready in advance. I know it is coming, the other shoe will drop, I’m already ready.

Save the puppies! Vote for one of the liberal candidates!

Note: NO puppies were harmed in the making of this article.

p.s.  OK, OKAYYYYYYYYYY, for you liberals who have zero sense of humor, this entire post is a joke.  I think. I made up all those stories about Mr. Hoffman.  But the truth is that my defenses are up, and  I’m not getting my hopes up.