Daily Archives: March 20, 2011

Some Christians hypothetically believe in forgiveness

My last few months have really opened my eyes to who my true loving family is. I won’t name names, but basically my family has had two diametrically opposed views of my nervous break-down midlife crisis take charge of my life. First, some voluminous background so that you can understand what has occurred.

I won’t try to justify my actions. I was irrational for a couple of days, after years of hating my job, years of praying that God would “just let me die,”  and after months of being clinically depressed while trying to hide it from others.  Something snapped inside me.  In the past, I had been able to force myself to work through it when the deadlines approached. I could produce a good product for my clients, and give them my very best.  But. I. Just. Lost it.

The night before a big trial, when I needed to put forth my best effort and work all night if necessary, I just couldn’t.  I knew that my depression and hatred of my job had caused me to slack off, and slack off, and slack off some more, until it was too late. The night before trial there was just too much to do and too little time to do it. So I did what I do best, I tried to drown myself in alcohol. All the while driving around aimlessly, trying to work up the courage to kill myself while making it look like suicide (so the wifey could have the double indemnity insurance).

After getting good and liquored up, I remembered that a couple of the insurance policies had an exclusion if I was killed while driving under the influence. So I pulled into a rest area and slept it off. I woke up early and drove around looking for the best place to conveniently drive off the road and do it. I found a couple of choice spots.  One I drove by three different times, waiting for a time when no cars were following. But my car was on fumes. Continue reading