President Obama has a race problem, and John Doe has the solution. [Don’t worry, my conservative Brethren, Obama won’t actually listen to this great advice. So have no fear, his numbers will continue to tank. Because he is a fucking know-it-all and would never take advice from a drunk blogger. ]
Without further adieu, here goes.
1. Tack right. Or act on some of those campaign lies. You won by pretending to be a centrist. Remember all those little white(y) lies you told during the campaign? “I’ll have the most transparent administration, evuh. I’ll cut taxes on everybody! I’ll act in a bipartisan manner! I’ll stop the waters from rising. I’ll close Camp Gitmo. I’ll give the captives in custody a civilian trial. Blah blah blah.” Hey, Dumbo, here’s a clue: People remember the shit you said, and they actually believed most of it. [Suckers.] You had 80% plus approval when you were sworn in. White people aren’t racist. Most hoped you would do a fairly good job. You haven’t done shit since, and they are deserting you in droves. They see that you are a liar. So stop lying and start doing.
2. Change your default mode. Yeah, we get it. Though half whitey, you identify completely with your black half. [Okay, except what black person in their right mind eats arugula? Or golfs, except Tiger?] Your knee-jerk reaction to any issue with even a remote racial component, is to side with “your people.” Reparations? White cop, black professor? Voter rights enforcement against The New Black Panthers? Yeah, we’ve noticed.
3. Lose the fucking commies. Yeah, the black folk will adore you no matter what you do or say. Whiteys? Not so much. You actually have to take a responsible position on the issues to appeal to white folk. Yeah, we are proud of the fact that a black man has been elected President. Old news though home boy. Now we actually judge you on the issues. Appointing every other radical and communist freak to this post and that judgeship is getting you a bad rep. Quit reading the Dailykos and quit listening to Chris Matthews, and start listening to those of us who don’t have a tingle down our leg, and don’t blindly stick by you no matter how much of a communist you seem to be.
4. Start loving America. Or at least acting like you do. That “NO NO NO! GOD DAMN AMERICA!” shit don’t fly with most normal, decent white folk. Hate to break it to you. No bowing and scraping either. No sucking up to our enemies and prostrating yourself to our enemies, either.
5. Quit making Nancy and Harry get on top. You lie back and make them do all the work. Want a stimulus porkulus package? Get Nan to do it. Want ObamaCare but are too lazy to put your own neck on the line? Get Har and Nan’s people to do it. Americans did not vote for Harry and Nancy for President. Most Americans think that they are too liberal. They don’t like them. And you are giving them free rein to ruin America. Bad. No good. Big mistake. Stop them. You ran as a centrist, remember? That’s what got you elected. Not those dog whistles to the far left that you kept tweeting.
6. Kill the vacations. Okay, now I might be nitpicking, but God Damn! How many rounds of golf you gonna take? This is America, where most people get what. two weeks off a year? I know you are a law school professor “senior lecturer” who is used to getting three months a year off each year, but buck up. No, this ain’t nitpicking. This is what the f’n liberals did to George W. Bush, so I am returning the favor.
[Please God, don’t let Obama listen to my excellent advice! I want this underqualified anti-American leftist to be one and done.]
Sincerely, John Doe.
UPDATE: Wow! A CNN writer agrees with me! And I agree with her! Although she is much more eloquent, and less (dare I say it?) Smash Mouth!