So the Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy wants to ban guns, does he? Well, in a Smash Mouth exclusive, we have inside the Oval Office details of what went on when the news broke!
President Obama answering the phone: “This is President Obama…Oh, hello Sir…I did not know that! That “dirty M’fer” who, Sir? Patrick “Dumbass”? Er, do you mean Senator Leahy?…Oh, yes sir, sorry sir…”
President Obama at this point held the phone away from his ear with a grimace on his face. Loud profanities were heard coming out of the phone. After several seconds the caller appeared to calm down but continued in a loud, commanding voice:
…”Yes Sir!…ugh huh…Sorry Sir…yes, I am a dumbass, sir, I apologize for saying ugh huh, Sir! Yes, Sir, I will call that “son of a bitch” right away, Sir! Thank you Mr. Soros for bringing this to my “stupid ass” attention, Sir!”
President Obama here tries to regain his dignity. He straightens up his tie. He hands the phone to his secretary and demands that she get Senator Patrick Leahy on the line, “immediately.” She does, but then President Obama makes him wait while he takes a few hits off what appeared to be a crack pipe. Finally exhaling the last bit of smoke, he took a deep breath and began speaking to whomever was on the other line.
“Leahy you dumbass old hippie, what the hell are you doing bringing up a hearing on gun control only a few weeks before the fall elections!? George is soooooo pissed, and after hearing his reasons, so am I!…Yes, I know that your seat is safe…Yes, I’d love nothing more than to ban the sale of all guns…Yes, I know I promised you that I would ban all guns during my first term, but…Yes, I did mean it…Yes, I know we might lose the House and Senate this fall…Yes, I know it is our plan that the lame duck session of Congress will ban all guns before the new lawmakers are sworn in [here he covered up the phone and said ‘Allah be praised!’]…Yes, ugh huh, I will veto any attempt to overturn that ban, of course! Allah, er, I mean God put me into office for a reason!…Ugh, huh…yes…I see…Okay, Pat, you convinced me, let’s do this. But you have to call Mr. Soros and straighten things out with ‘the Boss.’ He thinks that this will be like pouring gasoline on the fires, and that for a little short-term gain we will lose a tremendous amount of popularity with the voters…Oh, Pat, don’t call Mr. Soros a rotten bastard, I think he has my office and my phones bugged. Somebody sure seems to have it bugged…Yes, goodbye Comrad!”
With that President Obama thrust the phone back to his secretary, grabbed the pipe and some stash and left. As he was leaving he said, “Clear the rest of my calendar today, I need to go golfing. This job is so stressful!”