In a Smash Mouth Politics exclusive, an entire text (with original edits) of the President’s speech for tonight has been leaked to John Doe! The notes within the brackets appear to be instructions from the speech writer(s). This is completely unedited by me–this is the real deal that Obama will be reading from tonight! Apparently, some of the words that have been struck through have been edited, although yours truly does not know whether by the speech writer or the president’s policy wonks.
Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States!
[Wait for applause to die down. Look solemn and serious. Use that look where you furrow your brow and tilt your head down, so we barely see your eyes. Just when the applause is almost dead, hold up your hand as though you are trying to cut it off because you are impatient to start.]
I am here to discuss the gulf oil spill. Americans want to know what my administration is doing about a problem that my administration did not cause. I am here to explain how it is George W. Bush’s fault, and BP’s fault, and all those who screamed “Drill, baby, drill” ‘s fault. [Nod in acknowledgement of cheers from Kos Kids bussed in for audience neutral supporters.]
But first I’d like to give a shout out to Egyptian Foreign Minister Ahmed Aboul Gheit. Yes, my Moslem brother, I did acknowledge that I am still a Muslim, the son of a Muslim father, the stepson of Muslim stepfather, that his half brothers in Kenya are Muslims, and that he was sympathetic towards the Muslim agenda.
Not only am I the first “black” President, I am the first Muslim President. But I still cannot work miracles.
As I said before, the reason we are in this mess is because of my predecessor, George W. Bush. He allowed inspectors to slack off. He put his pro-Big Oil cronies in positions of power. I tried to get them all fired once I was elected. Some still hung around. It’s his fault.
And it is BP’s fault. Their greed caused them to ignore safety procedures. Their love of profit caused them to ignore the safety of their workers. Their desire for filthy lucre overwhelmed any concern for the environment. So I’m looking to kick their ass.
First, I am demanding that BP establish a $20 billion dollar slush fund re-election fund escrow fund to reimburse those who have been damaged by the leak. My administration will fairly and even-handedly dole out the money to my supporters those who deserve immediate reparations for devastating losses. [Give a “Sarah Palin wink” to the union bosses seated off to your right, Sir.]
Second, I will unilaterally ban all drilling anywhere within 5,000 miles of the United States. No drilling off shore. No drilling on shore. No drilling, period. If the United States wants oil, they will just have to buy it from my Muslim brothers in the middle east. Or my good friend, Comrade Chavez. Or our European socialist neighbors to the north in Canada.
Third, I will unilaterally determine, via Executive Order, that it is vital to the United State’s best interests that we socialize take over the entire oil industry. We will seize the entire industry from every domestic and foreign company that is involved in the oil industry, including the exploration and drilling, to the shipment, refining and sale of that product. I will appoint those who will run the business. No non-union members will be allowed to work for the new company. And the union will be given a 55% ownership of the final company, which will be called Barack Obama Oil whose name has not yet been chosen.
Fourth, we will use this crisis as an opportunity to enact draconian new laws to curtail green house emissions. If our country was not already so addicted to using oil, natural gas and coal for energy, this crisis would never have happened. If the Republicans had not fought every environmental regulation ever devised, BP would not have been drilling off our coastal waters in the first place.
Which leads me to my final point. I am hereby suspending the First Amendment and asking Congress for a law forbidding any Republican or Tea Bagger for that matter, to run or to hold office. Ever. No person may criticize any of my actions. Those who do will be considered traitors and subject to imprisonment. Those who are registered Republicans are not allowed to vote. And while I am at it, those who own guns will have theirs confiscated. I know these steps will be may be viewed by some as extreme, but I assure you as your dictator that these steps are absolutely necessary for me to be reelected deal with this national crisis.
In the weeks and months to follow I will be fleshing out my agenda in further speeches. You will watch them, and you will pay attention. My people will be watching you. I will allow no dissent. And if you see others trying to avoid watching my speeches, or complaining, or otherwise not doing exactly what I say to do, then do the right and patriotic thing: TURN THEM IN. Even if it is your parents or your children. Turn them in. My people will take care of them. Trust me, this is the only way to turn our country around. If it works in China, with their billions of people, it will work here with our measly few hundred millions of people.
Good night, and may Allah’s peace be unto you. [Pick up Koran and stride forcefully from the podium, avoiding questions, but acknowledging cheers from the Kos Kids in the audience.]
All I can say in response is “WOLVERINES!!!!!!!!!!!!!”