Glass Cow, Scotland: The Scotch (aged 12 years) yesterday granted amnesty to convicted murderer Theodore Kennedy because of his age and his advancing brain cancer. “We just din wan da fat bastard dyin on air watch,” clan leader Ian McKoontash claimed. “True, he drank more Scotch than anna man alive, but that dain’t excuse his crime”
Mr. Kennedy, formerly of Massachusetts, U.S.A. was convicted decades ago of driving while under the influence of Scotch, driving his car off a bridge and into a tidal pool, where he left his paramour to sufficate while he ran off to concoct an alibi.
Once released by the authorities, Kennedy returned home to Massachusetts, where he was allegedly hailed as a hero by President Obama, and used as a prop to try to sell ObamaCare. President Obama said: “It was the right thing to do. Teddy is the Lying of the Senate who has pinched every ass in Massachusetts at least once, and has made a Senator Sandwich of 1/2 the babes in Boston. That kind of experience is too invaluable to leave in a jail in Scottland.”
Sales of “The Teddy Kennedy” in Massachusetts bars have skyrocketed since his release. Mix a lot of Scotch and a little salt water, drink until somebody dies.