Daily Archives: August 18, 2009

The Conservative Football “Power Rankings”

1. Rush–A god among men.  Does not sit back and play defense–takes the game to the enemy. The Pittsburgh Steelers of Conservatives. Liberal assaults have proven ineffective against him for years. Able to withstand even Presidential onslaughts. Rush IS right. You know he is.

2. Michelle Malkin–A goddess among men. Great offense, stout defense, adequate special teams.  The only way to defeat her is if Tom Brady blows out his knee again. They can’t demonize her, isolate her, or marginalize her. So I IDOLOLIZE HER!  Beauty. Brains. Edumacation. SaWEEEEEEET!

3. Mark Levine–They don’t call him “The Great One” for nothing. Puts tremendous pressure on the opposing QB. His “Get off my phone ya big jerk” [should be all caps] is unstoppable. Like the old Packer sweep, or the old USC “student body right” it can’t be stopped. Has the brains of Peyton Manning, and the body of Jason Alexander.

4. Ann Coulter–sometimes called “She hate me” because she’s soooo good.  Has all the right moves, pushes all the right buttons. The Adrian Peterson of Conservatives: Able to take it to the house on every play. But occasionally fumble prone.

5.  Sarah Palin–The San Diego Chargers of Conservatives. The moves, agility and grace of  LaDainian Tomlinson. The physical presence of Antonio Gates. The Heir Apparent of “The Gipper.”  Only her inexperience, or an injury, will hold her back.

6.  S. C. Sen. Jim DeMint: 3d year journeyman whose stats so far have been unimpressive is expected to have a break out year.  Good hands, excellant speed, but does he have the heart?

7. Mark Steyn: past his prime, the Brett Farve of conservatives, but Great is still Great.

8.  Andy McCarthy: Cream. Rises. To the top.

9.  Stacey “The Other” McCain: But for the history (the band, the Mullet, the Speedo, etc. ad nauseum), in my best Boomer imitation: “HE COULD…GO…ALL…THE…WAY!!!

10. Glenn Beck: recent injuries to key players could limit the upside to this team. Although when healthy, this team matches up extremely well to anything that the liberals can throw at them.

Leave YOUR nominations for “The Conservative Football “Power Rankings.  Who knows? This drunken sailor wannabe might change the rankings  by necks weaks bay be.