Special Breaking CBS News: In an unpreci-dented move to shore up President Obama’s failing poll numbers, Democrats in the U.S. House of Represent- atives introduced a bill which declares officially that President Obama is not a thug from Chicago who secretly loathes America and who wants to socialize our economy in order to fuck it up and allow all his ‘homies’ to become official Czars with unprecedented control over great portions of America.
Jesse Jackson Jr. (“I did not try to bribe him, Gov. What’shisname, in order to gain that U.S. Senator’s seat”): “Yes, we have a different way of doing things, here in Chicago. Yes, President Hussein Obama is aware, intimately, I might add, of how we do things. But no, he is not a ‘Chicago Thug.’ He was moved up to the Big Leagues. He is one of us, but he is above us. So no, he’s not a Chicago Thug any more. Technically. Well, sorta. And I sorta didn’t try to bribe what’shisname…”
Rep. Nobody, D-Bumfuckistan, said: “I think I’m clever. By offering this Resolution I force Republicans either to make fools of themselves, showing themselves to be anti-Obama zealots, by opposing this bill, or I make them agree on the record that he is not a Chicago Thug. You know and I know that the RINOs and ‘moderate’ Republicans, and most of the ‘Blue Dog Democrats’ are not going to officially oppose ‘The Won.’ So it will look like they support him. By not being on record as calling this spade a spade. Oh, sorry, was that racist?”
Ronny Rino, R, Peoples’ Rep. of Massataxusetts: “I believe that President Obama is a decent human being who just honestly believes in stealing the money from the rich and giving most of it to the bureaucrats, and letting a tiny portion of it trickle down to the people who are truly needy. But hey, I’m a fucking moron who is a Republican in Name Only so I’ll support whatever that nappy headed bastard says or does!”
Some conservative Republicans and conservative radio pundits grumbled that President Obama really was a thug who hated America, but they were disorganized, the Mainstream Media dismissed them as freaks and morons, and they ran off to their Tea Parties without making much of a fuss. No story here, move along…