House Cap and Trade Bill includes a provision to limit the personal use of toilet paper

More taxes, less "waste", what's not to love about this plan?

More taxes, less "waste", what's not to love about this plan?

From CNN News: “Currently, the United States spends more than $6 billion a year on toilet tissue — more than any other nation in the world. Americans, on average, use 57 squares a day and 50 pounds a year.  Even still, the toilet paper market in the United States has largely plateaued.”

“The real growth in the industry is happening in developing countries. There, it’s booming. Toilet paper revenues in Brazil alone have more than doubled since 2004. The radical upswing in sales is believed to be driven by a combination of changing demographics, social expectations, and disposable income.”  [Translation: Third World countries are finally learning how to wipe their asses with something besides, well, use your imagination.]

“The spread of globalization can kind of be measured by the spread of Western bathroom practices,” says Praeger. When average citizens in a country start buying toilet paper, wealth and consumerism have arrived. It signifies that people not only have extra cash to spend, but they’ve also come under the influence of Western marketing.”

In an effort to stem the use of toilet paper, Rep. Henry Waxman inserted pages of paper into the Cap and Trade Bill literally after midnight.  The new legislation, which no one in Congress has been able to read yet, puts a strict limit of ten (10) squares per person per day absent an excuse from a physician.  The penalty for abusing the new limit is a penalty up to $500 or six months in jail for repeat offenders. Realizing that it might be difficult to enforce such a strict limit, Congress also seeks to impose draconian new taxes on every roll of paper.  Rep. Waxman argued in favor of the new tax by saying, “We literally are going to tax the shit out of our citizens!”

Rep. Boehner declined to comment on the tax itself.  “I have no problem in principle agreeing to any new onerous tax. I’m just sorry that neither I nor any of my Republican colleagues thought of it first.”

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