The Progressive Declaration of Independence

Memo: My 1st Draft of the Progressive Declaration of Independence

To: Sen. Harry Reid, Teddy K, and all my other homeys

From: Nancy Pelosi


IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776 2009 

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen fifty-seven united States of America

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created evolved equal, that they are endowed by their Creator the Government with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness, The Right to Welfare, Public Education, Free Cheese, Public Housing, the Right to Have the Government Make Others Pay for Your Health Care etc. ad nauseum. — That to secure these rights, Governments LOAN YOU THESE RIGHTS, SUCKERS, SO VOTE FOR US OR WE WILL TAKE THEM AWAY! [Is this too harsh? Let me know.]  are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive fails to of these ends take from the rich and give to the poor so you suckers will vote for us it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness and especially their Welfare check.  Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind humans [“mankind” is soooo sexist] are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, prevent them from getting their Gummint Goodies it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies under those meanies the Republicans and all those who fail to see that nothing is sacred except Government hand outs; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain United States of America is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations by The Man, and evil Corporations, and religious fanatics and knuckle-dragging conservatives, etc. all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States Progressive Politicians who are trying to institute the Nanny State, where we will provide for you from cradle to the grave, so long as you do as you are told!  To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.  Evil Conservatives have done the following:

[Insert long laundry list of evil things that social cons and neo cons and George Bush Republicans did. The more the merrier.]

We, therefore, the Progressive Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world OURSELVES for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies OURSELVES solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies Progressive States are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown Red States, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain the Red States is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War  make LOVE, not war—if we are attacked, we’ll come crawling to the Red States for help, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, steal private property in order to give it to our political cronies and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence OURSELVES we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor  [ha! I couldn’t think of anything that fits here! Our trust funds? Our Re-election funds? I’m open to suggestion!]

John Hancock Nancy Pelosi

[ Let me know what changes, if any, you propose.  Nan]

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