Breaking News: Cap and Trade to save over 33% on automobile M.P.G.s IMEDIATELY!

A.P. June 29, 2009: Unseen within the 300+ pages that were added to the bill after midnight was a provision that will imediately increase the miles per gallon of every automobile in America. This provision was designed by former Vice President Al Gore, and a key element of the new law will be named after him: “The Gore Mile.”  Currently, a mile is approximately 1.6 kilometers in length. The new law will change the unit of measurement in America from the (current) mile to “The Gore Mile.” The Gore Mile, which will be alternatively known as simply “1 kilometer”, will be 1 kilometer in length. Once this new unit of measurement is implemented in America, (“The Gore”) miles per gallon of every automobile in America  will  suddenly increase in excess of 33%.  Savings per vehicle may vary, depending upon type of vehicle and location.

America The Beautiful

America The Beautiful

 

A jubilant Mr. Gore was quoted in the N.Y.T.: “This is a happy day in America. Finally, Congress has implemented a new plan that will save all Americans by lowering the amount of money that it costs to travel a (Gore) Mile in America.  For absolutely no added cost to every driver! This kind of inovative thinking is what seperates we Democrats from Republicans and conservatives. Our scientists are also considering lowering the miles per gallon of all marine vehicles by changing the current “nautical mile” to the far superior “Gore Mile.”  That change will result in a similar savings in m.p.g. for every boat, ship and other marine craft in our lakes, rivers and oceans.”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi beamed with joy at her legislative accomplishments: “This was not easy getting the votes for this proposed legislation.  The evil Republicans [except for eight dupes who were conned into voting in our favor] are against saving all Americans money. “

Rep. Henry Waxman had this to say: “Sometimes you have to sneak things in, so that voters do not  have time to read them, and so that legislators will vote in favor of them and do what is right.  If the people read about this we might not have been able to get the votes needed to have this pass the House of Representatives.”

A White House spokeman credited the Democrats with passage of this legislation, and looked forward to helping it pass in the Senate as well: “This dovetails perfectly with the President’s stimulus package and with his desire to lower spending.  Though this legislation will save money at the gas pump, it will also stimulate the economy. Not noticed in the provision is the fact that every single sign in America that lists mileage will imediately become obsolete.  Not only that, but every map in America will need to be replaced. Many reference books will need to be updated. This is exciting because this means jobs.  “Shovel ready jobs.”  At an estimated cost of $7,943.34 per sign, that means that trillions of dollars will be pumped into the economy almost immediately.  In short, this provision will pump trillions into the economy through jobs required to replace all signs. But the saving in every tax-payer’s pocket means that they have more disposable income, which means that they can borrow more and spend more, and that our economy can return to full capacity.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ken, said that he would carefully consider the new legislation: “A serious proposal requires serious consideration. My Republican colleagues are determined to not get between the American public, whom we serve diligently, and rock-solid science. I believe that this could be passed with near unanimous bi-partisan support.” 

Economists have privately expressed concern that spending trillions on repainting signs could actually increase the deficit spending, but were afraid to say so in publicd. Said one, who was desperate to remain anonymous: “I don’t want to get trashed by Obama’s thugs, but this doesn’t make sense to spend money we don’t have to do something that won’t really save a penny on energy costs. This is a gimmick, and some day, when rational legislators re-take the House and the Senate, the first thing that they will do is over-turn this evil monstrosity.”

Rep. Boehner called the new bill: “It’s like lifting up the lid at a fancy restaurant, while expecting your favorite meal while you arestarving, and finding a steaming pile of dogshit. It stinks, you for damn sure won’t est it, and you sure as hell aren’t gonna pay for.”

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