This is the tale of a Knight who lived long ago, in a place far away: Sir Eric of Richmondham, bravely rode off to do battle with the Evil Queen Pelosi, and her Minister of Death Sir Harry. The Evil Queen along with her hencemen Harry of Nothingness, had, behind the scenes, usurped the throne of King George the Simple. And she was forcing the King to turn the economy into ruin. Even the “know-nothings” in China and Russia realized that the Evil Queen Pelosi was forcing socialism down the throats of the peasants, in the guise of “saving the economy.”
Queen Pelosi’s evil plan was to sacrifice young virgins to the dragon that was terrorizing The Castle of Washington. The dragon, known simply as “Too Big to Fail,” demanded: “Girls. And Really Pretty.” In a flash, word went out far and nigh: “We need G.A.R.P. Too big to Fail demands G.A.R.P.”
Of course, Sir Eric of Richmondham at first refused to turn over the riches of the kingdom to the Evil Queen Pelosi, and her evil henchman Sir Harry. Nay! Instead, he gathered up his rocks to click together, and his band of merry traveling minstrels, and bravely trotted–OK, well he walked while pretending to trot on a horse–off to the Castle at Washington to do battle with the evil Queen. As he went, his minstrels sang:
Minstrels: “Bravely bold Sir Eric rode forth from Richmondham.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Eric!
He was not afraid to be killed in nasty ways by the Press, his guts strewn about in a big fat mess!
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Eric! He was not in the least bit afraid, to be mashed into a pulp by Katie C, or Wolfie B.
He was not afraid to have his balls cut off by Move On dot org, or to be made a fool by Dan Rather. Or to have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away by Teddy K.
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Eric!
Sir Eric: “Ok, that will be enough singing for now lads!”
Minstrels: …”His head smashed in by the Wa-a-Po and his heart cut out by the N.Y.T.. And his liver removed by TheDailyBeast, his bowels unplugged by U.P.I., And his nostrils raped by Dailykos, and his bottom burned off by HuffingtonPost, And his penis…”
Suddenly, the Mainstream Media arrived, the singing ceased, and they interviewed Brave Sir Eric. They asked him tough questions such as: “What if Too Big To Fail destroys the Castle? What if the planned G.A.R.P. does not get to Too Big To Fail soon enough? You are going to vote to sacrifice Girls, And Pretty Ones, at the alter of Too Big To Fail, aren’t you? What if you are wrong? All the wizards and sorcerers all say that G.A.R.P. is the only way! Sir Obama, the Prince in Waiting, and even the old and senile Knight McCain believe it is the only way. Surely you do not claim to know more than them?…”
And with similar and sundry other questions, the Mainstream Media weakened the knee of Sir Eric. What is so special about a nation’s treasures, he thought to himself? “Girls,” [even if they are nice ‘and really pretty’], are not worth dying over! They aren’t worth being torn to shreds by the New York Times, or mimicked by Keith Olbermann of Crappingshire, or laughed at by Sir Matthews of Tingly Leg!”
With that, Sir Eric bravely turned and ran away, to watch the Britney Spears concert! To the sounds of his minstrels singing…
Minstrels: “Brave Sir Eric ran away! ”
Sir Eric: “I did not!”
Minstrels: “Bravely ran away away! When danger reared its ugly head, he ducked his head and he played dead, he bravely turned his tail and fled!”
Sir Eric: “I didn’t!”
Minstrels: “Yes Sir Eric turned about, and gallantly he chickened out! Mistakenly believing that he had clout, he turned sure victory into a route!
Sir Eric: “I’m a hero. I’m a rock star! I’m in a safe district!”
Minstrels: “Bravest of the brave Republicans, Sir Eric. He has packed it in and packed it up, what a girly-man from Richmondham, he chickened out and slithered off home!”
Sir Eric: “Oh you liars!”
Minstrels: “Yes bravely he threw in the towel, brave Sir Eric threw in the towel! Queen Pelosi took his measure. And found him too cowardly to protect our treasure! He BRAVELY RAN AWAY! Sir Eric ran away! He ran off to Richmondham, proving to all he didn’t give a damn! Sir Eric ran away!”
Fortunately, he ran into the Republican Knights who say “Not!” They are the Knights who say NOT! And they refused to let the Evil Queen Pelosi pass her porkulus plan. Until she said the magic words that the Knights who say Not could not bear to listen to! “Look at the Polls”, she screached! And the Knights who say Not covered their ears and cowered, while Queen Pelosi passed them by.” Alas, the Knights who “formerly said not” became extinct, and Sir Eric went back to Richmondham to return to the mortician business–no, wait, that was a different story–but at any rate he was never seen or heard from again.
Alas, Brave, BRAVE Sir Eric ran away!“aU
[for those too senile to remember where this came from, go here: