Here, you ignoramous. Training wheels for your pathetic blog.
Behold, my imitation of Doug “The Collection Attorney” Mataconis as he begins his lecture on his pathetic blog about Freedom of Speech: Nasally voice, pinched expression similar to “the Church Lady” on the old SNL skit, limp wrists, know-it-all demeanor from years of studying law via correspondence class. “Class. Claaaa aaaas. Look at me. Today I’m going to lecture you about how smart I am, and how dumb Sarah Palin is. But first, I have to use words that she said and attach meaning to them that she never meant, in order to come to an absurd conclusion that I will then proceed to tear apart. How can I do all this? Because I am some twit slithering around on the lowest rungs of the legal profession, and she has never heard of me and therefore will never bother to defend herself. You see, I am pretty good so long as I am attacking some defense-less woman who is thousands of miles away.” [Smiles proudly at herself/ itself/ himself.]
Suddenly, from across the airwaves, much to Dumbass Dougie’s chagrin, IT IS SUPER JOHN DOE! Dougie’s toofy grin disappears, his panties get twisted, and he looks for a place to hide. Because he knows it is coming. ANOTHER BITCH-SLAPPING from John Doe.
John grabs Dumbass Dougie by the silk blouse, barely missing his/her training bra, pulls that ugly face to within inches of his own, and growls: “Listen you ignorant fuck. What good is “Freedom of Speech” and “Freedom of the Press” if the media is going to lie about one candidate and favor the other? That is what Palin was talking about during the campaign. You can have all the “Free Speech” you want but if the speech cannot get out, or gets distorted by biased reporters, the freedom is diminished. Did she mean that she lost her right to free speech? No, you ignorant little twit, that is something that your AIDS infested brain thought up. Or more likely, you stole the idea from Dailykos or Keith Olbermann.”
John Doe gave Dumbass Doug a bitchslap, just because he could, and resumed his rant [admittedly our hero by now had a little rabid frothing around the corners of his mouth, and his voice was growing more hoarse.] “Now you are making the same shit up about Palin’s defense of liberal attack dogs ravaging Carrie Prejean. Here is what she said: “I applaud Donald Trump for standing with Carrie during this time. And I respect Carrie for standing strong and staying true to herself, and for not letting those who disagree with her deny her protection under the nation’s First Amendment Rights,” the former vice presidential candidate said. Our Constitution protects us all — not just those who agree with the far left.”
John Doe bitch-slaps Dumbass Dougie again, and resumes his rant: “We have protections under the First Amendment which guarantee us a right to Freedom of Speech. But those “rights” aren’t worth the paper that they are written on if we ‘let those who disagree with us’ shut us up. By making us lose a beauty contest. Or by looking into our parents’ divorce records. Or by looking into our medical records to see if we have had a boob job, or had nude picts made. By standing up to the idiots like you who attack her, she is standing up for her right to freedom of speech. Free speech isn’t just what some dumb ass collection attorney with a correspondence degree in law can secure for her in court. Free speech is like a muscle that must be exercised. Like a brain, which you lack, that must be stimulated and used. And Carrie Prejean “stood strong” and “stayed true” to her convictions, and exercised her right to free speech. She has more class, and Palin has more brains, than your puny little correspondence degree will ever convey upon you.” SLAP. BITCH SAAALAAAAP!
UPDATE 5/14/09: Are Dumbass Dougie and Perez Hilton really the same person? Notice they are both gutless cowards who support gay marriage and who attacked a twenty-something year old woman for expressing an opinion against gay marriage? Notice you never see pictures of both of them together? In Little Dougie’s world, that is PROOF they must be one and the the same person.