The Liberal Ten Commandments of How to Argue

danbury_mint_ten_commandments_with_box_p0000013277s0009t2I. Be creative with the facts. Facts are fungible. Don’t be afraid to twist, ignore or make up facts, if necessary. Never let the facts get in the way of winning the argument—the ends justify the means.

II. Avoid arguments that you can’t win.  Some conservatives are just too intelligent to argue with—e.g., John Doe—avoid arguing with them like the plague.

III. Be creative about giving credit or blame.  Be vague with cause and effect, but make it appear that anything good that happens while a Dem is President or anything bad while a Puke is President was caused to happen by that President. Examples? The economy began tanking while GWB was President—so claim vaguely that it occurred “on his watch.” Uncle Joe died during his term? GWB caused it. Dotcom bubble occurred during Bubba’s term? He gets the credit. Dotcom bubble burst during Bubba’s term? It burst because Bubba was leaving office and GWB was coming! See how easy this is?

IV. Repeat lies repeatedly. The more outrageous the better. Bush lied, troops died [don’t get bogged down in defending our own people who said the same things.] Palin is dumb. McCain is Bush II. You get the idea. Lie lie lie! It works.

V.  Run in packs. Get your buddies to pile on your opponent. Strength in numbers. The more the merrier. Claim victory, over and over and over again. It makes it appear that you are winning if all your buddies pile on and cheerlead for you. (Lowell Fulk is especially adept at utilizing this Commandment).

VI. Avoid using logic. Stick to appeals to emotion. Logic won’t convince liberals or others who are considering becoming liberals. And our positions aren’t based on logic. Avoid logic like the plague.

VII. “Meghan’s Law” (added in response to Matt’s comment).  When your opponent is winning the argument, pick up on some little point that they made and whine about it being a personal attack (or anything else that can distract from the conversation and instead twist the conversation around to some topic where you might stand a chance).  Examples? You called me “fat” (even if they didn’t really) or “that sounds like a racist/homophobic/mysogenist/[insert some big word here]” and attack the person instead. You know that is where liberals excel, attacking the messenger. Named in honor of Meghan McCain. True, some might argue that this is merely a variation of Commandment X, but really, it is a clever way to actually misconstrue what your opponent says, make it sound like they said something, and then you can launch into personal attack mode yourself while claiming to be the victim.  It is a less ham-handed approach to get to Commandment X than to just launch directly into name-calling.

VIII. Attack the intelligence of your opponents. Sarah Palin is just the latest in our long line of using this attack. GWB, Dan Quayle, Ronald Reagan, Gerald Ford, even war hero Eisenhower, hell, we even used that old line on Lincoln—we called him a monkey.

IX. Claim the high ground.  Any possible high ground, by creating so-called noble reasons why our position is correct and the other side’s position is wrong. Examples? It’s not murder, it’s about freedom of choice, and those opposing abortion are trying to use government to tell women what they can do with their own bodies. Gay marriage is not about morality, it’s about giving gays equal rights to marry. Who can be against freedom and equal rights? When we protest, call it our Patriotic duty; when they protest Obama, call it un-American. When we dissent, it’s because we are bound by a sacred duty to stop the Republicans from steamrolling us; when they dissent, they are partisan hack obstructionists.

X. Call your opponents names.  Never let a day go by without calling a conservative or a Republican a Nazi, a fascist, a Neanderthal, a bigot (a narrow-minded bigot is even better!), a knuckle-dragger, a misogynist, a hypocrite, or similar term. They will spend all their time defending themselves instead of ripping our positions to shreds. Last but not least, if you find yourself losing the argument with a conservative, never hesitate to call them a racist.

[Remember, children: It isn’t cowardly to avoid a fight you can’t win.  And it is a crime to lose an argument that you could have won if only you would have used one or more of these Commandments.  Now resume Mau-Mauing!]

19 responses to “The Liberal Ten Commandments of How to Argue

  1. Too funny! Love this article.

  2. You’ve nailed it! Good work. A nice dose of sardonic wit makes this nightmare a little more bearable!

  3. Very good, and FUNNY!

  4. I could swear I saw the exact list about Republicans several years back.

  5. Yeah, I can see this going both ways really. I definitely know Bill O’Reilly and McCain aren’t all that squeaky clean when it comes to commandments I- IV.

  6. Bwaahaahaa! Matt, out of thousands who have read this, you are the first to point out that VII is missing! Good observational skills. I’m gonna have to make one up…

  7. When all else fails, play the refs. Thats what you’re doing, isn’t it?

  8. Could say the same thing about conservatives.

  9. I freaking love the “don’t drink the kool-aid” avatar.

    I mentioned these 10 commandments in a discussion about the Garofalo/Olbermann thing:

  10. What’s sad is that he changed a few of the names, and looked in the dictionary to get a few good words to make himself look smart, then he used every single republican talking point that Rush, Sean, Larry, Glenn, and all the other rattle-mouths say use, but turned it around to make it out like the Democrats do that. Very interesting.

    I will say this. You won’t find the DNC paying people to blog talking points, but the RNC have hundreds of paid talking point spreaders.

    Job well done..I’m certain your boss will give you a raise for this one.

  11. Okie, I must have missed the memo where they said they would pay me to do this. The really SAD thing is that all I did was hang around liberal bloggers awhile, and I made all that shit up about the Ten Commandments–in about ten minutes–just based upon my own personal experience in dealing with liberal bloggers. I’m not saying you in particular, or any blogger in particular, but overall, these are general characteristics of liberals when they are attempting to argue.

    You seem as though you want to get beyond the typical name-calling. What exactly are you interested in? I will discuss any topic that interests anybody so long as they are civil.

  12. I understood your attempt at humor…I got it(however bad it may have been to me.) It wasn’t lacking in entertainment value by any means. It was fun to read, but the point is the same…it doesn’t help.

    Lets talk about why people continue hating on each other due to a difference in ideology. Can’t we get down to the basics..strip away all the crap and come to an agreement about what we want to get out of life.

    With me..all I want is to have a nice stable job that doesn’t treat me like a slave..have a nice family that I can support without having to worry about financial problems. I want to be able to help my kids through college. I want to break my family tradition of poverty.

    These are my goals in life..I’m sure most everyone in this country would feel the same. Those are the most basic wants regarding the American dream.

    Most of my adult life, every year is worse than the one before..prices go up, but wages remain the same. Each year becomes more and more difficult to sustain a comfortable life. All while this is going on, the only thing we’ve been hearing from our government is war, war, war. Death to everyone but us. If you disagree then death to you too. All of this ego during the last administration and, basically nothing went as it should have.

    Then we reach a new term for presidency and this guy comes to the plate and says, ok…well what Bush did…I’m going to continue…remember when I told you that I was going to pull out of Iraq? Yeah, well I was just saying it in “context”, and we’re just moving those forces to another country so we can continue the war machine.

    This is coming from both sides and it’s extremely frustrating to know that neither party is working for the betterment of this country, however…Obama has ONLY been in office for 3 months and these things do not change overnight, so I will not totally let loose on him for perhaps the first year and if he continues down the same road we’ve been on, then I will be right along with the rest of you, harping on him and flogging him(if necessary), and yes…that was a bad joke 🙂

    I did vote for Obama and if this keeps up then we can talk about what to do to really get rid of them, but until we really see how things pan out we should just be patient and see how things go. I really didn’t start hating on Bush until he went to Iraq. I didn’t agree with his policies from the beginning, but mistakes will be made in every presidency irregardless and I patiently waited for an outcome, and(unfortunately) we got one and it wasn’t good.

    Once again…very sorry about the length, but I’m just trying to convey to you that we don’t need to talk down to one another..we need to realize that we aren’t different…our wants for ourselves and our family are no different, so when a policy is passed and those wants are being trampled…get away from them and try something new.

    Thank you.

    oh and by the way. I am a very civil person.

  13. Commandment XI: If all else fails, blind your opponent with a wall of text.

  14. Now, Matt, I agree with what you say, but Okie IS being civil. It is so refreshing to see a civil Democrat! And to both of you, I am sorry, but my blog seems to be spontaneously deleting old comments. Don’t know why, so if any of your comments get deleted it is not me doing it!

    I do agree that people are not civil. I will go to my grave believing that the liberals started the in-civility. I know I was not always in constant attack mode, but the constant attacks and hate and lies from the liberals and the democrats have jaded me and caused me to fight first and ask questions later. But I won’t attack Okie. Unless he exhibits those characteristics first…

  15. Thanks for the redirect, John. It was/is not my intent to be uncivil with anyone, regardless of their ideals and beliefs.

    My statement was more of a rib-poke than anything else, and I think he took it that way.

    He and I have been having a pretty good discussion on his blog.

    By the way, you’ve been DIGGed:

  16. Now I see clearly that you did not intend to be uncivil. It is refreshing when people can disagree civilly. And so rare nowadays on the internet. Some people are absolutely impossible to deal with, so I don’t even try with them.

    Thanks for the digg. By the way, this appears to be the second time around for this article being digged. I wish now that I had spent more time in thought. I basically knocked it out in about 20 minutes, without any thought or deliberation, just personal experience. That’s why originally I even forgot a Commandment No. VII, as you pointed out earlier, and in response I hastily added “Mehgan’s Law.”

  17. LOL. I like the XI commandment. Very nice shot at my ability to not shut up…lol. 😉

  18. I wonder how Okie feels about Obama-lama-ding-dong now after he’s had a year to digest the “chosen one’s” new policies?

    Nice to be able to read old posts and see if one’s opinion about their “favorite” candidate has changed or not.

    Also, it’s nice to have civil discourse on the internet via these blogs. I remember when I first got on the ‘net 12 years ago, how vicious some people were.

    (I hope it’s not bad form to bring up an old discussion.)

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