Somebody, I can’t remember, put the bug in my ear just before Sunday’s 1:00 a.m. kick off. The poster (can’t remember where I read it) said something to the effect that the NFL games are scripted.
As I watched my beloved Detroit Lions fight valiantly against the much more talented Packers, it dawned on me. He was right. I come to this conclusion with much trepidation. I’m a hard-core NFL fan. I don’t want to believe it. But come on, if you are a regular gambler on the NFL, or even just a big fan, you know I’m right. It just takes me awhile.
I remember as a kid watching the WWF (“Flying Fred Curry” with his “flying drop kicks” and “The Sheik” with his “Sleeper hold” will surely date me) and swearing that they fights were real. Look, that guy is really bleeding! You can’t tell me that it is fake! I actually remember having that thought, about the same time that I was trying to convince myself that Santa Claus was real, and that the toy boxes for the toys that Santa brought me were just boxes that he left in the garage after assembling my new gifts.
The Lions versus Packers game was so scripted. Oh, look, the Pack went out to a 21 – 7 lead. They are tearing up Detroit’s lousy secondary, just as everybody knew that they would. Ho ho ho! Looky here, the Lions are trying a comeback. Isn’t that cute! No, wait, here are the Lions committing turnover after turnover, just like we knew that they would. Isn’t this cute? The refs let Calvin Johnson keep a touchdown this week! Hey, it is six minutes to go in the game and all the Lions need is a field goal to go ahead. The little kid in me starts hoping against hope for our first victory in Green Bay since before Farve was drafted. I’m not shitting you, it’s been that long.
I swear to God, I started having déjà vu all over again. It was like watching a tag team match between two really likeable wrestlers against two real villains. You know what I mean.
The likeable guys always wait until their guy actually tags them before entering the fray. Meanwhile, the two villains keep jumping in the ring to help their fellow villain, and to make a mockery of the rules. And the ref always sees the good guy the one time he decides to break with protocol and enter the ring when the villains enter the ring for the umpteenth time to help their buddy without being tagged.
Of course, just as the good guy is administering some whoop ass justice to the villain who wrongfully entered without being tagged, the ref suddenly enforces the rules and takes the good guy out of the ring. While the ref’s back is turned as he is leading out the good guy, the two villains come back to their senses and commence beating the bejeebers out of the poor good guy left in the ring. By the time the ref notices, the good guy in the ring is toast. Of course the ref makes a show of fairly enforcing the rules: he dutifully kicks out the villain who is not supposed to be there. And then he returns just in time to count the good guy out.
Back to the Lions. Hey, look! There’s a Detroit Lions interception! No, sorry, flag on the play. Offsides penalty negated the interception. Replay of course shows no offsides. Even the announcers are speechless. Oh, isn’t this cute? The Lions are driving. Lion’s receiver runs the wrong route, and a Packer intercepts it and returns it for a touch down.
Oh, how sweet. The Lions are driving for a go ahead score with six minutes to go. Wow, they have dominated the Packers defense all day. No way the Pack will stop them now. Ooops. Spoke too soon. The Pack D stiffened just at the right position. The Lions are 55 yards away from a field goal, and nine yards away from a first down. No problem, the Lions will just punt. They have dominated the Pack offense all second half. No way the Pack offense can hold on to the ball for six minutes to preserve a two point lead, right?
Fuck. Try to guess what happened. And to all you morons who script the NFL games, try to come up with something new next time. I’d believe a 35-3 shellacking in Green Bay against our depleted secondary, missing our best linebacker and our star quarterback. Somehow, I could have taken that better than this monstrosity that you left us with Sunday. Hope, you M’fers, that’s what you built up in me, HOPE. And that is just wrong. Wrong, do you hear me? W-R-O-N-G!