I killed a deer on the way home from poker last night

I was on my way home from poker, not the deer.  He got in my way so I ran  him over.  Basically, I was almost home.  I was on the expressway just about to my exit.  This damn deer came from the median, ran across two lanes and directly in front of my car.  I slammed on the brakes but had no chance to stop.  Hit him right in the drivers’ side front, he went up onto my hood and over the top, and landed dead in the road.

No, it wasn't this bad

I was a little hyped up; I don’t enjoy killing deer.  I did not know what to do.  The little button buck was small and fit neatly into my trunk. He only weighed about 65 lbs.  I had visions of taking him home and making venison jerky out of him. Then I thought of all the hassle,  he wasn’t very big, and I do not even think it is legal in Virginia to keep road killed deer. 

And thank God it wasn't this bad...

So I did what any bone weary poker player would have done at 2:30 a.m. after hours of poker and wine [no, I was not intoxicated, thank you].  I dropped him off in the parking lot of a local office  complex.  Bet they got a surprise in the a.m.  upon arriving for work.   Hey, if I left him in the highway he would have turned to mush after a few trucks ran over him.  This way, I’m hoping somebody will make use of him.  If not, not my problem… 

Fortunately I have comprehensive and only a $100 deductible, cuz there is much property damage to my car.  The front bumper is plastic and got smashed and ripped.  Crap.

A real man would have at least cut off the hind quarter of the side that didn’t hit the car, and certainly would have cut out the tenderloins.  I just was too damn lazy.  True confessions of a used up ex-woodsman.

John Doe

9 responses to “I killed a deer on the way home from poker last night

  1. Lipton T. Bagg

    A waste of good meat John.

    -LTB

  2. Hey John, I believe y’all have what’s called a road kill pick up service. (I think they take the spoils to your local McDonalds). I saw one in VA last time I was up there. Up in Maine, they actually have a waiting list for road kill Deer and Moose. You put your name on the list and soon enough you get a call to pick up yer Moose.

  3. Lipton T. Bagg

    That top picture would have been so much better if the car was in the drive-thru….

  4. What, you couldn’t find some Vegan or Health Food Store to drop the carcass in front of. No local chapters of PETA in the greater Richmond area. Pity, an opportunity wasted.

  5. Lipton T. Bagg

    Mom:

    I give you props. That’s much better than the McD’s drive-thru….

    -LTB
    (Life Member of PETA – People Eating Tasty Animals)

  6. Guys, this is no BS…I was alittle crazier back in the day. We used to go kill deer for food and then take the carcass, head and all to the local Burger King and dump him in the dumpster….then call the Game Control Officer saying we thought we saw one fo the workers do it….They shut the damn place down for 3 days straight, just to test the meat….

    More seriously though, last year I covered all of WV for a car collection agency and it was about 8 pm I was heading down I-70, dark as night can be….and Lo and Behold, there is a guy in the middle of the slow lane. Now, boys and girls not familiar with I-70 at night…THERE IS NO SLOW LANE….I came up on this dude and to this day I thought I was going to kill him. What, you say, was this clown doing int he road….he hit Bambi and wanted to “run back up the road” to get him…..

    No shit, I almost ran this clown over for a 70 pound dog….I pulled over and helped him drag this deer out of the road, right after I backed up the road and threw my 4 ways on….I wasn’t getting killed for some meat.

    Maybe a woman, but not just ANY piece of meat….

  7. I’d hate to have frankie coming after my car.

  8. What a bunch a hokies!

    • In Maine, a lot of Moose are hit by cars…and trucks. You can put your name on a list to receive meat from “road kill.” Keep in mind a moose is a rather large animal that can dress out to six or seven hundred pounds of meat.

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