At last, the definitive purity test to determine if you are fit to be considered a Smash Mouth Politics “True Conservative.” Fail even one of these, sucker, and you have to buy the next round at the local brewery. If you are one of those girly men at tooconservative, you are guaranteed. To fail.
1. Did you drop out of the general election after having won the Republican nomination, and then throw your support to the liberal democrat (who once elected promptly broke a campaign pledge by supporting ObamaCare)? Extra credit: Is your name Dede Scozzafava? Or were you one of her Republican supporters who actually followed her advice and voted for the Democrat? YOU FAIL–GO DIE.
2. Do you prefer Budweiser or Miller or Coors over microbrewed beers? Ok, you don’t fail, but you sure are suspect in my book. Be warned, fella, I’m watching you!
3. Are you one of those freaks who reads crap on alleged conservative blogs run by godless heathen faggots and girlymen such as Andrew Sullivan/Little Green Footballs/BelowTheBeltway etc ad nauseum. Go directly to FAIL, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
4. Do you oppose legalized gambling and the decriminalization of marijuana. You might be a conservative, but you are misguided. Hang your head in shame, and re-think what it is about you that makes you want to make illegal things that aren’t harmful or immoral and which brings great joy to many people.
5. Are you one of those who supports “gay marriage” for the reasons set forth after question 4? Fail! There is a difference between homosexual marriage, which is harmful and immoral, and smoking pot (which is stupid, but not harmful) and gambling (which is not immoral). Now, maybe you realize that gay marriage is immoral, but you don’t want to appear to be a meany, and you are willing to let them have their own institution so long as they call it something else besides “marriage” (“pink ribboned” is currently not taken, as in “will you pink ribbon me”?), and you don’t want those slimeballs bossing you around, then OK, you didn’t fail.
6. Did you vote for Obama? FAIL! Do not breed, do not reproduce, go directly to the doctor and have your little ‘nads cut off or your tubes tied. Stupidity shall not be rewarded here at Smash Mouth.
7. Are you a U.S. Senator from Vermont or Pennsylvania who ran as a Republican but switched parties after being elected? FAIL! Put that gun in your mouth and pull the trigger.
8. Did you author a bill that tried to ban political speech 30 days before elections? (Just so that you know of whom I speak, you have a fat ugly stupid daughter who blogs on The Daily Beast, and you are so incompetent that you couldn’t beat an inexperienced thug from Chicago?) FAIL SQUARED.
Ok, that’s enough for now, you get the idea. Generally, keep out of other people’s business, don’t steal from Peter in order to get Paul to vote for you, and generally oppose everything that the current crop of democrat leaders propose, and keep checking back here for updates and specifics…
p.s. here is an article from the HuffPo which surprisingly contains much that I agree with about this entire “purity test” stuff. Who am I to tell some girly-man in Massachusetts how he should act or vote? You gotta do what you gotta do to get elected in a communist state. And “conservative” is sorta like the famous definition of pornography: I might not be able to make a test to weed it out, or even to define it, but I know it when I see it.
“If you are one of those girly men at tooconservative, you are guaranteed. To fail.”
Fascinating all the references here, all the time, to men who are allegedly less so because they disagree with you. What mush brain you are. Nothing to do with reason, just macho man bullshit.
But hey, I didn’t even fail everything! I didn’t vote for Obama, and prefer micro-brews, and I think homosexuals should suffer like the rest of us heteros.
Wrong, Sheldon, they are not less manly because they disagree with me. They are less manly AND they disagree with me. You sound as though you walk around with this big chip on your shoulder. What, were you picked on by bullies back in grade school?
Oh damn, Sheldon has his knickers in a twist again. Listen girly-man, just because you may like micro-brews, it doesn’t count if you’re drinking a botttle of “Pink Pansy Ale” or “Limp-Wrist Lager”. That being said, if you can drop a couple of pints of “Pitbull Porter” or “Skullfuck Ale” without painting the walls five minutes later, I might give you a little slack. Now that bit about homosexuals suffering, I’m guessing you’re the butch one in the relationship.
MOM! Are you for real? You sound like one of my poker buddies. And you know I loves me my poker buds. Fess up.
Poker is for pussys, I play mumbleypeg for cash. First one to bleed loses. Sheldon is disqualified given that his heart always bleeds.
Mom, see what an idiot you are? You and your poker-buddy act like 15 years olds.
Maybe you didn’t understand my point. That it is STUPID to make judgements about a persons place on the masculine-effimanate behaviour scale based on what kind of beer they like or politics they have.
This is what I think, you guys are probably really the sissies and you think it gives you big cohones to be non-bleeding heart conservatives and cheer for war.
And don’t think my knickers are in a twist. I just come here for laughs.
Sheldon, part of your problem is that you can’t distinguish when I am joking. You with your self superior attitude latch on to my stupid jokes, don’t realize that I am just kidding, and act all morally and intellectually superior.
If you would actually show up and have a dialogue rather than a drive by insult and run, you might actually learn something, and might teach us something. As it is you just show up, insult, and leave. Nobody enjoys being insulted all the time.